Chuck E. Cheese Can Suck My ...

After attending a birthday party at a local Chuck E. Cheese, I decided to send an email to the corporate offices. Being a woman of my word, I am sharing this with the general public. I do want to thank my cousins for providing much entertainment, but let's face it, when you have my cousins you always have a good time regardless. Also a shot out to the hubby who braved the idiocy and took the kids into what I viewed to be a special corner of hell. As promised, here is my email to Chuck E. Cheese, and the world at large.

My cousin held her daughter's 7th birthday yesterday afternoon at the Tinley Park location. My 3 children, husband and myself all attended. Let me walk you through our experience.

The parking lot had no available parking, not one space. We had to park in a parking lot for an adjacent business and walk to your establishment. We then had to STAND OUTSIDE just to get to the doors as there was a line of nearly 50 people waiting to get in. Stand outside with our 2 year old son, 4 year old daughter, and 10 year old daughter. During our wait outside just to get to the doors, I played a counting game. The magic number was 4. 4 was the number of infants in baby carriers or a parents' arms, standing outside, in the January weather.

Once we were lucky enough to enter the establishment your "greeters" did little more than scream at the people standing in line. We waited nearly 15 minutes just to get to the greeter, who was incredibly inept and rude. The hand stamping boy grabbed my 4 year old daughter's arm and snatched her toward him. She said "ow that hurt" to which he said ... absolutely nothing.

Breaking away from the Gestapo-like greeters we were directed to the party area which consisted of 6 or 7 rows of long tables crammed in an area which was much better suited for no more than 4 tables. In the 2:30 to 4:30 time slot this location had 10 birthday parties running consecutively. There was barely room to breathe, or move, let alone enjoy yourself.

I won't touch on the food as, let's face it, it's Chuck E. Cheese every human on the planet who is unfortunate enough to dine there knows the sordid quality of your food. I will say that your business resembles that of the infamous Union Stockyards in Chicago, and on an extreme level, the human herding and industrialization you have created could be compared to a Nazi concentration camp with an engorged stuffed rat running the show.

I ask you not to respond with a coupon for your tokens, your tickets, or any of your fare. I want nothing from you. I simply want to reassure that I am an extraordinarily talented free-lance writer and you are not the only people who will receive this message. I highly recommend you alter your business practices, or perhaps exterminate them altogether. You are an example of capitalism at its very worst and I think a fitting idea would be for you to attend a Saturday afternoon at any of your locations. Or are you smart enough to know to go elsewhere? Good day.